Who is John Smeaton?

Bishopton Primary was his first stomping (and flying kicking) ground. Park Mains High in Erskine was honoured to be graced as his secondary school.

Ferret Fiasco

Contrary to earlier reports, high-grade intel now tells us that the Smeatonator currently owns NO FERRETS. But before you go medieval on that poster’s ass, bear in mind that Smeats did own a white ferret who got the run of the place. The alpha ferret, if you will. But the name of this ferret? Not Snowy.

The ferret in question was named Fraggle. Apologies for any distress caused by this unforgivable error. Any further ferret speculation crossing the JohnSmeaton.com newsdesk will be subject to rigorous double fact-checking.
Fraggle – we have wronged thee

He used to work at the Dumbarton BP Garage, where he and the lads enjoyed a kickabout, and then went on to the David (Davey?) Dale College of Building where he honed his legendary feistiness in readiness for his law enforcement and baggage handling career.

He was once an avid member of the under-15 team at Kelburne Cricket Club. A typical Smeatonism of the day would be, “Try another reverse sweep ya walloper and they’ll be sweeping ur heed up fae the car park, ya bass”.

He has worked ‘in tha hall’ at Glasgow Airport since at least 1998. He works backshift only – presumably that is the most dangerous time of day: when the soft underbelly of Glaswegian civilians need his protection most.
Tha Hall

An ambitious playa in the baggage handling ‘hood, he is now Senior Ramp Assistant, as denoted by the red stripes on his vest. You want bags? He got your bags. (Somewhere, maybe at Prestwick in fact).

Tutored under the infamous ‘Paw Broon’, legendary Backshift Manager. This may have been the man he learned his flying kick, or perhaps even the fearsome – ‘banjo’- move from.

Paw Broon. Where are you? We need to talk to this man. If only to warn him that his apparent desire to assist John in consuming the 1,400 pints behind the bar of the Holiday Inn will be met with Zero Tolerance. Not on JohnSmeaton.com’s watch.

He may or may not have been skiving when that Jeep revved up for its kamikaze run. One man’s skiving is another man’s perpetual readiness. I can picture him there – fag aglow, smoke drifting past his flinty eyes, squinting Clint Eastwood-esque into the distance. Always ready, always waiting.

The word on the street is that he has no internet connection, despite being a big Xbox Live fan. Has The J Man fallen on hard times of late? If so, no more brother. We await your word with bated breath.

Thanks to everyone who has contributed their knowledge of the man. Keep it coming in. Do you know Smeats? If so, pour your heart out – we want to hear all the details.