The Six O’Clock Smeaton

What a day. Today is the day that Smeatomania genuinely shook the internet to its very foundations. The day that the buzz got turned up to eleven.

Pint pledges? The 1,000 pint mark was passed with disdainful ease.

An Honour from the new First Minister? All in a day’s work.

First Minister Alex Salmond has said he plans to honour emergency workers and members of the public who reacted to the attack on Glasgow Airport.

Sort it out Sal-meaton! But what honour can the First Minister give the Smeatonator that will top the thousand pints and counting YOU have already given? Ec’s going to have to pull something pretty sweet out of the bag to beat 1,000 pints at the Glasgow Airport Holiday Inn. What honour do YOU think it appropriate for Scotland to give Big John?

Well, how about renaming the airport to Smeaton International Airport? I’m sure we would all be up for that.

Then we had the Six O’Clock Smeaton – our John’s antics reported by the BBC with po-faced sincerity. But, hang on, isn’t that a wee smile we see playing across Alec Salmond’s lips as he says how willing Glaswegians are to get involved? Get in about ye ‘Ec!

Then the T In The Park Campaign clamour kicked in. Heightened security preventing the nation’s hero from meeeting his public? Who are they kidding? John Smeaton IS heightened security. No matter. There is still time for T In The Park to see sense. Get in there at the Campaign page and add your voice.

JohnSmeaton.com will not rest until it sees The Man on the Main Stage on Saturday night. I can almost hear the crowd chanting “Smeato…Smeato…Smeato” right now. I can picture the banners waving, the flourescent vests (sure to be the next fashion craze) worn with pride. And there we will stand, with tears in our eyes, honouring the phenomenon that is He Who Need Not Be Named.

Then there was the mystery of Smeato’s alleged disciplinary action at Airway Handling. Can anyone shed further light on this travesty of justice? The word is that the bosses there marched him in and said Smeato – you shouldn’t have spoken to the media, big man. What kind of mad World do we live in where someone attempts to gag the new Braveheart? This is not right. We’ve got to sort it out.

Smeato No-Show?

But where, in all this insanity, is The Man Himself? Has he spurned us? Has he discarded the scrawled note, handed heart-a-flutter, to young Daniel Maddis in Arrivals at 2200 hours last night?

The World clamours for him. Grasping hands reach out for a touch of that fluorescent vest. To feel – just once! – those red stripes that show he is Senior Ramp Assistant. To watch with reverence as he re-enacts the famous punching motion.

The eyes of the World quest for him. And yet still he remains a stranger to us.

This is not a man interested in a cheap shot at his 15 minutes of fame. Oh no. As al-Qaeda found out on Saturday, when Smeato acts, it is on Smeato’s terms.

And yet – somewhere, perhaps in the wilds of Renfrewshire, he waits. He watches. Maybe he has nipped out and is having a fag right now. Maybe he’s reading this site right now, passing anonymously among us, like that bit in the basement of Lou’s Tavern in Fight Club. Maybe he’s even posted under a fake name. Mary? Amy? Mamy? Your guess is as good as mine.

But I have faith. I am staying resolute, with the JohnSmeaton.com mobile phone ready for his call. Whatever the time he chooses, I will be here. Resolute and unflinching.

But there’s more. Credible sources at BBC HQ in Pacific Quay tell me that the Smeat is going prime-time tomorrow. I’m not talking some silly item with pictures of websites and the Smeatster Photoshopped as Superman on the sideshow that is the Six O’Clock News.

I’m talking: John Smeaton, giving his first interview to the media since that fateful night – tomorrow. On Reporting Scotland. This is going to be a media event, the magnitude of which has not been known since the days of Viv Lumsden. We’re talking cutting edge television here.

Smeatomania at 11? Prepare for it go to 12.